So does any one still read LJ?

Well if you do, here is something I've been thinking about recently, and it's something I've not been sure how to take: I've read two books recently which have had the same basic death-fantasy: namely when you pass from this world to the next you go to the place that makes you happiest.

The two examples I have currently are from "The Art of Racing in the Rain" were the narrator (who happens to be a dog) finally passes and journeys to a field of flowers where he can run and jump and play. The second is from "The Book or Lost Things" where the narrator (who is not a dog) passes from this world to the next by going back to the land he discovered as a boy, only he is now a man and he is greeted by his "lost" wife and child. In both instances death was not the end but the beginning to another chapter of existence.

Why have I been thinking about this? Well two reasons, and both revolve around family members who have died or who might be dying. Specifically I think about my mom, and her nearly 30 year battle with MS. in many ways she is a dark, gray world now (and she has been for many years); would it give me comfort to imagine her, when she finally passes, becoming the beautiful young woman she was before the illness? (I have seen pictures of my mom when she was just 20 and she was a lovely young woman). I tend to think that was her happiest time, and perhaps that is what she deserves after such a long time with such an awful disease.

And what of my grandmother, who passed earlier this year? Where did she go? I think she is now attending a fabulous dinner party in the early 60s, or she is perhaps traveling. My grandmother always claimed that her fifties were the best times of her life (and maybe they were) by that time you have learned about yourself and others, and you have become comfortable with who you truly are, and yet you are still young enough to enjoy life. I don't yet know if this is true, but again I like to think so.

When she was ill, in those last few months, she was always wanting to get ready for a party (or we had to get back to it!) so maybe for her it's the 70's, and she and my grandfather are in their house in Saudi having a great party (complete with homemade hooch). Yes, I think that would be best.

Yes, I think it would be.

It's been an exceedingly long time since I've written anything of Importance in this thing, but over the last few months it has been a struggle to keep up with the mounting evidence of our own mortality. So where should I begin?

In the past year (and it has just been over a year) A and I have lost 5 persons out of our circle of family and friends: two blood relatives (my grandmother, A's mom), a long-time coworker (who A knew for almost a decade), one fabulously eccentric neighbor at the loft (he who said he was the biggest shareholder in the building and then left us a bottle of wine), and finally a member of my racing community who was known for hsi driving skills, his smile, and his enjoyment of life. (I could ad a sixth, but he was known to me only by extension). What do any of these deaths have in common? I have struggled to find common threads, and deeper meanings, but truly they are just a string of unfortunate events that have come rapidly on the heals of one another.

And they have all come in the space of a year.

A's mom was second, and she was perhaps the hardest; I was there when she passed and while I'm glad that I was there, it was truly, truly difficult to go through. And yet her illness had robbed her of who she was years before - her passing was the end of a long, gradual, an inevitable process.

More suddenly, and the first in the list, was A's coworker - and he simply left work one Friday afternoon in the early summer and did not return. From what we've been able to piece together there was more to this story than we know, or will ever know, but it still doesn't dull the fact that someone who had been next door to you for ten years suddenly, and without warning ceased to be.

Next was mom Grandmother, a women who greatly influenced everyone's lives and who seemed to be such a force of nature. After my grandfather died, just after we were married, she took it on herself to care for my sick mom (who's story is another piece of this puzzle, but I'll save that for another time) and did so for the better part of 15 years. Just after my getting my new, dream, and ultimately fruitless job (and yes there is still a certain amount of bitterness that goes this that episode) she fell ill, permanently. My life then became a whirlwind of starting my own business, driving to DC fortnightly to manage the care of my mom and my grandmother, and ultimately taking over all of the repsonsibility and decisions for both of them. I am still in the process of coming to grips with the fact that it's all my responsibility now and that I must care for everything to the best of my own meager ability.

Fourth on this list, our neighbor from the loft, was a shock and a surprise - he was someone who we thought of as, well, a bit of a jerk, but who in his own way was not a bad person. But he was completely part of the fabric of our lives during the loft/gallery years, he was our only neighbor on our floor, and somehow we saw him as a reflection of what we were not. But he was relatively young (58) and it is always a surprise to suddenly think that this person is just no longer there.

The last person on the list (who might only be the most recent as things are now going) was a fellow racer - and he was Young (51!) and seemingly totally healthy. He was the person, when I started racing, who I looked up to and realized was what I wanted to become. He was always friendly, would talk to you if were a newbie or a veteran, and who could drive the wheels off of any car. He was equally famous for his fabulous Supra, which was a car of many moods, but which was always stunningly fast. He had left autocross for greener pastures, but he was someone I never expected to hear about suddenly dying. I can't even say that I feel sad, or upset, those words are not expressive enough. Its a loss on pare with which I've never experienced.

So what do these people have in common? Two were old (well in their 80s, which even today doesn't seem that old) but the others were all young (relatively) - 55, 58, and 51. I think about that a lot right now as I look forward to a huge birthday this year. Turning 40 has made me stop and think about where I am and where I am going, the things I am doing, the things I have done, and the things I have yet to accomplish. And To be honest, to think of my own mortality.

I sit here in the sun, on a lovely 4th of July, with a sleeping dog next to me, and I am consumed by thoughts of the people I have lost in this past year. They will never see another sunset, play another note, clip a cone, or correct some poor writer's terrible grammar. Do they leave us permanently? Or is it true enough that just thinking about them keeps them alive in our hearts and our minds? I'm not sure I have an answer for that. Somewhere, if we believe in spirits, we realize that they may have left this earthly realm, but perhaps they are somewhere, enjoying a new life, or a new beginning.

So I am going to leave on that thought. Just remembering these people, who have touched my life in some many ways, is perhaps enough. And it is enough to remember that old saying - live every day as if it were to be your last, for one day you are bound to be correct.

It's 4 pm on a Monday afternoon and I've just got the mail, in which there was a letter from grand uncle Jack, my grandfather's brother. The letter had a clipping from the newspaper listing of my grandfather's death, which was May 20; as it turns out my grandmother passed on the same day (and in a even stranger twist of fate, the same day of the week).

Last week was spent gearing up for, and then doing, and then recovering from the viewing and service for my grandmother. As services go it was nice and low-key, as viewings go, it was also good (the mortuary arts are amazing, yet it's always shocking to see someone you know so well in a casket, my brain tends to shut down and I have a hard time processing all of what I'm seeing.) The family came back to the house, we had lunch, and then they left; A and M came over in the evening and that was very nice (even if the giant dog has a thing for M and wouldn't leave him alone).

Today is the first "normal" day I've had in the last few weeks. And I think I'm still coming to grips with the events; A and I have been looking at family photographs - fortunately some time before her death, my grandmother sorted a huge suitcase full of photos, putting them into boxes and labeling as many as she could. Looking back at these photos, it's hard to miss the single largest and most defining event that has shaped my life and the lives of my family - my mom's illness. While it's difficult to image where we would be if she had never become ill, it's not difficult to see how it has shaped nearly every major event my grandparents, her, and my life. I'm not angry, nor am I really upset, it's more a sense of loss of what wasn't and will never be.

Today I've been working on several of my freelance jobs (I may have another client, hopefully) and yet I feel tired and empty today - it's a cool, quiet day, and my ability to get myself going is sorely lacking. Now is not the time, but I do need to sit down and really consider what I'm going to do next - I know I can be "successful" working for myself (perhaps even to the point of having a staff) but is that what I want?

I don't know.

I know I have clear steps that must be taken - items to bring home, things to sell, accounts to close, property to rid myself of. It is not easy, nor quick; perhaps it is my job over the next weeks/months. I had the opportunity to visit my grandmother, and by extension, my mom many times over the last five months - and I am very much grateful for that; it was good, and I feel better about myself for having done it. What I don't know is what I have gained by doing this - or what I have lost.

So I'm going back to do some more work, and hopefully accomplish something concrete today.

I'll post more about this later, once I have things more or less under control, but my grandmother, after a brief illness passed away yesterday afternoon. I'm heading to Arlington to make arrangements, and as A said, I'll have a memorial service here in Pittsburgh in the next few days.

I'll write more about how the last few months have been, later, once I feel I can slow down enough.

so i've gone over to facebook as a primary way to keep tabs on folks since it seems that almost no one postes here any more. However there are things I don't like about facebook, the primary one being that i don't really write about anything - I make comments and say little things about my life, but there's no real sharing of thoughts and emotions. Not that I've been all that interested in sharing emotions and thoughts right now, but you know what i mean.

btw, it's summer out and it's lovely....

So as my grandmother's health continues to wane (she has good days and bad, and it seems like the bad days are more frequent than the good ones), I've come to the decision to sell her apartment.

This means that I have to clean it out and decide what to do with all of the "stuff" in it; fortunately I'm familiar with most of the items in there, although there are many many many others things i didn't know existed.

But it is both intimidating deciding what to do with this stuff, and how exactly to most effectively dispose of everything.

Sigh...

When it comes to write about me, they will study this time in my life, when most, if not all of my family bonds were tested if not irrevocably altered. They will study the minutia of my days, wondering just how I managed to fit so much in, and yet how unaffected I was by these events. Looking to my output at this time, they will see my steady march through my own limited graphic currency, how I pondered each line, each shade, each letter form, perhaps looking for the path to the one truth I have always been searching for. The deeper means will be clear; somehow through all of this I will have sought out a balance between beauty and practicality, between aesthetics and production, between the profligate world we left behind at the end of the twenty-ohs and the beginning of the twenty-tens.

I will be on a path toward a future where both the simple and the complex exist simultaneously in agreement and partnership. Looking back it will seem like a watershed moment, the day when I woke up and said, "yes, I see the world through unfettered eyes, I see things clearly, and see what it is I must do"; they will attribute these thoughts to me, although no one, including myself will ever think this, in these terms. And yet looking back in a month, or a year, or five, it will have been clear, the path will have opened before me as the spring rains wash away the last of winter's grime and the smallest buds of flowers poke up through last year's dead leaves.

I promise to write an update soon....

I'm about to head to my second interview with the internet company here in the Burg. I feel pretty good about this, so I'll let you all know how it goes this PM.

I also have freelance from my old company. Yay.

Family seems to be doing ok - but well you know how that goes.

I have many calls to make this afternoon after my interview. Wee.

More details on all later.

Gregor the mountain dog loves snow

Gregor relaxes at home

To begin somewhere I will not begin at the beginning, rather I will jump into the middle and work backwards and forwards simultaneously attempting to weave a coherent tale from the events that have befallen me in the past few months or so.

So going back to the beginning of the BH saga. I discovered somethings about that place in the short time I worked there; first they are not nearly as good as they think they are. Admittedly I am no architect, but I saw what they put out in front of clients, and there are things they did I would never have accepted if I was a client. Secondly, the CS department (where I was) was even more unprofessional than I would have expected. They were not Mac based (which was surprising in itself) they produced books in house (which was OK, I guess, but odd) and they were undisciplined in a profound manner. Additionally, I have emailed me former boss a couple times asking for samples, and she has not responded. I find this totally unprofessional.

I am to understand that they were so unprepared for the economic slow down that they had to gut the studio they had just formed? Again, it amazes me.

(BTW, I am surrounded by my tan critters).

Admittedly I am very upset with them given the way it all played out - in the 11 weeks I was there (which coincided with the holidays) my direct boss was there for only about 60% of the time. There was no guidance, there was no vision of where we were going. A large part of me cannot reconcile this.

So if you've been reading my journal recently, you've seen my tale of woe and misery. In someways it not so bad - life follows unpredictable cycles, and if you believe that things do happen for a reason, then this is certainly evidence of that.

I've been having trouble getting my job search into high gear - one cause I'm at home, and there are so many distractions (most of those of the furry four-legged variety) and well everything else that's going on.

My grandmother is returning to the Jefferson most likely to die in the next couple of weeks. Unfortunately she cannot receive hospice care there because of the way they organize their beds (I don't fully understand the rules, but for the time being they are what they are). She will receive good care, and my mom's there which is good for both of them. Once she passes, a lot of things will begin to happen - I'll take over all of the affairs - I'm the POA, Main Trustee, and executor; I don't think much will change for my mom initially, but I will have a lot of work ahead of me just dealing with paperwork and logistics.

Calls, arrangements, and travel needs to be made.

It's all very odd.

My therapist told me that people die as they live. Recently I have seen that up close and I am going to witness it again.

Monday I went to DC to visit my grandmother and mom and to take care of paperwork. Today I talked to her doctor who told me that my grandmother has requested hospice care and is refusing additional medical treatment. It seems that we've reached a point where she no longer wants to be treated for her medical issues, and we are supporting this. I believe that she will be discharged to the Jefferson (where she and my mom live) where the hospice will care for her. I've been taking over her affairs over the last two or three weeks, and I think that she has decided its time. I'm not sure what what the next few weeks with bring, but I know I will be down in DC several times to manage and take care of events as they play out.

I feel like I'm living in a short story - three and half months ago I accept a dream job, then A's mom passes away, the economy tanks, my grandmother goes into the hospital, I begin to take over her affairs, and she enters into hospice.

We'll see what the next few weeks bring.

Well, here's the update in just how my life is going...

Not only do I have to deal with my grandmother's illness (more on that anon) I got laid off today from BH! Woot for me!

So you might ask what happened - well here's what i've been able to piece together: BH lacks strong central leadership and they placed alot of eggs in the basket that was Dubai. When the global panic hit, and all the jobs vanished like so much sand in a desert wind, BHIS was left holding the bag. Today they gutted the stuido - out of maybe 60 people who worked on that floor, 35+ were let go. I was among the last to leave today (meeting folks at Mahoney's for a much needed drink) and well, it was sad and quiet. To be honest i'm not sure what's going to happen there now.

Was this a surpise? Not entirely. Did I know? Not as much as others (one principle was dumb enough to put the layoff date and LIST in their calendar - which everyone could see).

So what now? I'm not sure. I have many things to deal with right now, so this is not totally unwelcome. I will consider options and move forward from here.

So that's how great the first 8 days of 2008 have been. How good are the other 357 going to be?

I assume that when a doctor uses terms such as "very serious" and "frail" and "doing the best we can" that can only mean that things are pretty serious.

After a day of logistics - i.e. getting the hospital to recognize that I'm the person with the authority in this situation - I finally talked to one of my grandmother's doctors this evening. He used all of those terms as he told me the root cause of my grandmother's bleeding (I won't share the details here) and the procedures they are going to do over the next day or so.

It has struck me that this might be very very serious, which means I am suddenly responsible for both her and my mom. Sadly - or fortunately, it's hard to tell - my mom is aware but unaware of what's going on. Unlike a patient with dementia, its not as if she doesn't process information - rather she exists in a state somewhere in between realities.

I'm currently repressing things well - it's my best defense - but I suspect I might be heading to NVA earlier than this weekend if things don't change course.

So here's what's going on in my life post holiday 2008:

Fast on the heals of A's mom passing, it turns out that my grandmother (who lives in VA with my mom, who is ill with MS) has been in the hospital twice over the last three weeks. The first time was right before xmas, and she went in because she couldn't stand up. After a short stay (a few days) she returned to the Jefferson (the retirement community where she and my mom lives); I visited her there over the Xmas weekend. While not doing great, she seemed pretty OK.

Then, NYE, she returned to the hospital with abdominal pain, and weakness; this time they diagnosed a host of things, included a blood infection, and fluid around her lungs. They are treating her infection, but as of yet they have not discovered what's causing it. So I've been on long-distant duty, calling the hospital, arranging financial items, dealing with my mom's care too.

Needless to say, I am concerned - my grandmother's 81, and while in good health, she's not really taken good care of herself. So this feels all to familiar - while I'm hoping for a good recovery, there's a part of me that doesn't expect it. And I'm fearful of what that will mean for the foreseeable future.

But I'll be back in NVA this weekend, to take care of bills, paperwork, and to check in on everybody.

And so it continues.

It's been quite interesting living and adapting to Gregor the Sarplaninac; he's an interesting creature and I think that we are all developing places in the pack. A and I (the two-leggers, which is what I think the critters call us) have taken to watching dog shows to gain insight into what we should do with him. I think the training is going well, for first timers, but I know I'm probably a little too impatient and unwilling to impose my will on Gregor.

However there are several distinct observations that I can make about him: he loves being outside - truely, he loves it; this however bugs Newt who wants nothing more than to go outside. Additionally, Gregor realizes that Newt (and to a lesser extent Katim) get different treatment than he does, and he wonders why this should be.

Gregor is nippy - when he gets excited he likes to nip at our hands and our legs - he certainly doesn't do it hard, but still it's a behavior I'd like to eliminate. Also, he certainly wants to impose his will on us... and we need to make sure that we remain the pack leaders....

Well xmas is over and I'm back to work for a mercifully short week before NYE/NYD.

While this wasn't "The Worst Christmas Ever(TM)" it did kinda rank up there. From the strange awkwardness of A's Dad not celebrating at all, to the dull realization that my mom and grandmother need more help from me (and since I'm the only child and grandchild it all falls on my shoulders), to driving back and forth to DC over the weekend (ugh). Well this quote holiday season has certainly fallen short of the idealized happy happy Rockwellesque images that we have what the holidays should be.

On a good note, the dog might be the best xmas present we've ever given ourselves, since he is quite the magnificent creature, even if the cats believe he is uncouth and not deserving of the attention we give him.

So, here's to more and better holidays and the New Year's celebration should be good - I am looking forward to having friends over to celebrate the thankful ending of 2008.

Peace.

Link here

Normally I wouldn't think too much about this, but after reading the story several things jump to mind - the names of his other two children, and the OBVIOUS disturbed remarks he made about race and what not.

I mean, really?

Gregor 12--8-2008 This is Gregor....

And Gregor loves cat toys. Fortunately he doesn't love the cats...